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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.